Logline: Bickering interlopers must put aside their differences and choose the lesser evil: evacuate their New York apartment to objectionable locations or face extermination by an assassin.
It’s post 2016 election at a carnival. We see a LAWYER and a JUDGE fighting on The Flying Dutchman. The lawyer brandishes a pen while the judge wields a golden gavel. Both stagger back and forth with their weapons of choice as the Dutchman whooshes and rocks full tilt. Bloodied and torn tickets swirl shapelessly about in the darkness.
A few minutes before dawn, sunlight casts three blurred shadows on what appears to be a 12’ x 12’ scrim: GRAND MÁS, the group’s elder, a self-deprecating trickster woman, TARDIS, a “water bear”, and JABBERWOCKY. They are all aware that an “X-MAN” has been sent to kill them.
Grand Más stands, removes her modified Steampunk goggles, yawns, and begins rapping: I get up early in the morning, but I can’t get out of bed. Gotta put my shoes on first, so i can crush some losers’ heads.
They are all waiting on the group’s scout, SEARCHER, a soldier, to return with possible relocation options. DORCAS, a quirky male of Irish decent, enters the hallway in manic mode. He asks about the X-Man’s ETA. Meanwhile, ROCK-N-ROLL WIDOW, 29, ethnically ambiguous, is in the bathroom waiting on something just as ominous as the X-Man — a pregnancy test.
Searcher returns with his report of possible relocation options and notices a peculiar smell. Jabberwocky has bathed himself in citronella oil and tea tree oil to protect him from insects when/if they go outside.
With Widow still missing, they begin discussing the options. They debate the merits and logistics of an HOA in Georgia, an Upstate New York Mansion rented out to the tv/film industry, or a farm in Colorado.
Searcher has told them all wild stories about the death of their friends, “Jimmy” and “Cornbread”, which are reminiscent of Jimmy Hoffa. This makes everyone cautious about leaving. No one really knows which, if any, of the “cornbread” stories are true.
As they are discussing options a knock on the door brings Grand Más and Jabberwocky out of the darkness. Jabberwocky decides to hide on a plastic covered couch in the living room, ESTER, their host, is sitting on. Ester is smoking a cigarette, sweating and drinking her morning coffee. Ester rises to answer the door spilling her coffee. A sweaty, coffee citronella and tea tree oil melee ensues between Ester and Jabberwocky. Ester drops her cigarette, which ignites the dust bunnies sticking to Jabberwocky, who limps back into the cover of darkness.
But, it wasn’t the X-Man as feared, it was HILLARY, an end of life saleswoman who is summarily sent away by Ester with a threat of reporting her under New York’s Door-to-Door Sales Protection Act. After Grand Más and Jabberwocky return to the hallway, they discuss Ester’s “big ol’ butt’, which brings Widow out of the restroom, afraid that she (or her butt) is the topic of conversation. Widow pretends she was just doing a lice treatment on her hair.
Searcher tells more “cornbread” stories, each one more fantastical than the last. Some stories involve jalapenos, cracklins, excess Crisco, and even a “yuuuuge skillet that was precariously perched on a display table” at a carnival.
Amidst the stories, the group endeavors to reach a decision on where and if they should relocate before the X-Man arrives. Jabberwocky recalls what happened the last time he ventured out with his pet chicken “BLINDY” on a “dark and stormy night”.
Various trivialities and problems repeatedly derail their decision-making process. They all have reasons to remain where they are or objections to relocating including Jabberwocky’s visceral reaction to anything pointy-toed in Georgia, Widow’s desire to be a background player if they move to the Upstate New York mansion, to meeting an online rival for an MTV special, or getting makeup tips from a New York Drag Queen. Tardis wants to live near a Sprouts.
The true “cornbread” story is revealed. Cornbread was a carny. Everyone was at a circus back when Grand Más was just a lowercase “g”. Here, we revisit the opening scene. It is a carnival, but only an illusion of one — it is a film set. Cornbread was trampled by 300 background players when the Director said: “That’s a wRAP”! But, he survived — and he sued the bastards — the lawyers and judges that is.
Everyone knows the “true” story about Cornbread, but they still haven’t made a decision about whether or where to move. Ester receives a phone call from Kelly Faircloth, who describes for the first time, what the X-Man looks like:
“He looks like an ambitious corn dog that escaped from a concession stand at a rural Alabama fairground, stole an unattended wig, hopped a freight train to Atlantic City… and never looked back.”
Ester is okay with that, as long as he keeps kosher.
With no decision made, they have run out of time as the X-Man finally knocks on the door. It’s “Donald Drumpf”, the exterminator. He assures Ester that she should “rest easy” and that he’s only there to bomb her house for roaches. The “scrim” is in fact, a fumigation tent.
Everyone moves from behind the shadows and their physical forms are revealed — The Rappin’ Roaches, who RAP a parody of 50 Cent’s “I’ll Whip Ya Head Boy”.
And, that’s a wRAP, y’all! Bon Appétit!